Seasonal mis-givings: Where do bad gifts go to die?

Starshine Roshell

12/25/05

Starshine Roshell

If you haven't received one already, just wait. It's coming.

At some point today, someone who is not really a bad person will hug you, smile and hand you something truly awful.

It will look so nice while it is still bundled up in crisp paper and gleaming ribbon. It will have such potential.

But then you will open it and spend several stuttering minutes trying in vain to disguise your ho-ho-horror.

With all due respect to the gift-givers, who deserve credit for their generosity if not their taste, the holidays are full of dreadful presents. For every, "Yes! It's exactly what I wanted!" there's an equal and opposite, "Wow ... you really shouldn't have."

You know the gifts I'm talking about: canvas tote bags, itchy scarves, crystal animal figurines. We want to be gracious recipients. We want to appear pleased. But how do we recover from the shock of unwrapping a plaque-mounted plastic fish that sings "Don't Worry, Be Happy"?

The key, says psychotherapist Michelle Deen, is low expectations.

"Then there's not such a 'thud' when you open it," she says, adding that it's OK to dislike the thing. "It's like a belch; these feelings come up from the gut and you can't program yourself in advance not to have them."

Most insulting are the bad gifts that scream, "I'm sorry, have we met?" A pair of expensive earrings when you don't have pierced ears or a set of sterling silver luggage tags even though you hate to fly. A vegetarian I know once got a hamburger-shaped kitchen timer from her dad.

Such mis-givings can wound our pride -- but they don't have to.

"Stay away from cynical thoughts that make you feel crummy, like, 'Oh, they're cheap' or 'They don't know me' or 'They never cared about me,'Ê" says Ms. Deen. "Remind yourself that Grandma Gurdy is colorblind, or that she has an eccentric personality. Or think to yourself, 'Oh, the poor soul was sucked into this (obligation to exchange gifts) just like the rest of us.' "

Still, the hurt's only half the hassle. Now we have to find a place for the useless object in our homes.

We can't just throw it away. We may not believe in Santa Claus, but we do believe in Karmic Laws, and their naughty-or-nice list is just as onerous.

So we let the thing -- the novelty sweater, stinky handcream or snowman paperweight -- sit on our coffee tables for too long, refusing to allow it to fraternize with our wearable clothes, our tolerable lotions or our non-humiliating desk accessories.

Must we make space in our already overstuffed lives for this damned unbidden bauble?

The answer is sweeter 'n Christmas fudge.

"You don't have to keep things around that are not pleasing to you," insists psychotherapist Gary Linker, who prescribes the following affirmation for those who hate their gifts and feel terribly wicked because of it: "I have a right to not clutter my life with things I don't want."

Is there a way to dispose of the tacky trinket or homemade gewgaw while still honoring the giver's great intentions? (Using it as a doorstop doesn't count.)

You can hawk it at garage sales, or on eBay. You'll be amazed how bargain-hunting marshmallowphiles will fight each other for the Deluxe S'mores Making Kit you didn't want.

Want to dump that dud tout de suite? Host a New Year's Eve party where all the guests bring something god-awful from their holiday gift bounty, and trade them White Elephant-style. You probably still won't wind up with something you like, but at least hauling it to the curb will be easier on the conscience.

Or donate it to a charity. Sean Dunn, director of retail services for Alpha Thrift Store, says his shop gets a ton of donations right after Christmas, and it's no coincidence.

"It's actually been a little bit of a secret," he says, "but we've seen it for years."

People drop off everything from hand-knit clothing to new-in-the-box housewares, and he's even found a disturbing number of fruitcakes amid the jetsam.

"I'd like to think they show up accidentally in the donations," he said.

Of course they do. And readers will want to keep such happy accidents in mind when their sweet old neighbor stops by with her annual tin of tooth-cracking toffee.

There's one more option, of course, which spinners call "re-gifting."

As a realist, I tend to think of it as "lobbing crap onward."

Passing an unwanted gift on to someone else is often poo-pooed as poor form, but etiquette expert Tara Stockton says there's nothing morally bankrupt about it.

"I do it," says Ms. Stockton, who teaches a local class called "Mind Your Manners."

"But I am really careful. You have to make sure if you give it on to somebody else that (your recipient doesn't know the person who gave it to you). It's too small of a town."

Indeed, it's safe to assume the same forsaken snowglobes and cast-off coffee mugs have been in holiday circulation for years, moving in and out of social circles, eBay shopping carts and donation piles -- sometimes in the same rumpled gift bag.

Do the math and you'll realize that if everyone gets a bad gift once in a while, chances are good that we've all given our share of stinkers, too. So in addition to gratitude, empathy and manners, it's wise to keep your sense of humor close at hand today.

Because the gift you get ... may be your own.

Starshine Roshell is a staff writer whose column appears every other Sunday in Life. E-mail her at sroshell@newspress.com.