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By Stephen and Abby Honikman
1998 was a very good year. It was the year we met and fell in love. Oh, it wasn't the friend-of-a-friend set up or a blind date. We didn't meet in the supermarket or in a bar. We met online. It was back in the day when meeting someone on the Internet was still taboo. But as we found out, it wasn't just a way to meet creeps ... it was a way to meet our future spouse! Stephen: I was in St. Louis, 3:30 a.m., in a deserted law library computer lab. Perhaps it was because it was so late, and I was giddy with fatigue, or perhaps because it was "meant to be," I went online. My attention was drawn to the bottom of the computer screen where a stylized "Manischewitz Matzos" logo was flashing at me. Only instead of "Manischewitz," the logo said "Yenta.net." I was puzzled as to why the Yiddish word for "matchmaker" would be on a matzo box ... Abby: I thought it was kind of funny. The home page made me smile so I ventured a little further. At the time, I was in law school in Wisconsin and finding any man - let alone a Jewish man - was not particularly important to me. But on a whim I decided to sign up for the site to see what kinds of people were actually doing this. I really just did it out of curiosity.
Stephen: An online Jewish dating service. It made me laugh out loud! The site was pure comedy. Still, I decided to fill out a form even though I wasn't looking for love. What harm could it do? It was free for the first month. Fifty multiple-choice questions and five essays later, my profile was done. Abby: I called myself "Amy," and said I was from California. I didn't put any identifying information onto the site, but I did put enough in my profile about me in case there was anyone interesting out there. Within a few minutes of posting my profile, I received 10-12 Emails; some with virtual flowers, others saying they had been "waiting all their lives for someone like me." I got Emails from men all over the world. Stephen: I wrote a note to a handful of people, essentially saying, "Hi! I found your name on Yenta.net. You must be desperate or crazy. Either way, feel free to write me back." Abby: Ironically, the day before my account was set to expire, I received an Email from Stephen. His lighthearted, mildly sarcastic tone appealed to me because it revealed that he was not too desperate or really serious about the whole process. Stephen: I was amazed at how many people replied to my Email. Then again, "Spam" was still a processed meat and Viagra was not yet invented, so people thought it was exciting to get Email. I liked that "Amy" was only in it for the free month and not about to pay for the service, so we exchanged personal E-addresses so we could continue to correspond. Abby: After that, we started Emailing regularly, starting with a couple times a week, eventually progressing to one or more Emails a day. Stephen: We put a lot of thought into our prose. It was clear to me that she was really special. We discovered we had lots in common and our Emails to each other got longer and longer, and more and more detailed. I'm not sure when it happened, but soon I was really looking forward to checking to see if Abby had written. Then, I would immediately start to write a long reply. This went on for five weeks. We did not talk to each other by phone, did not send any regular mail and only knew each other via green Email text. Abby: I totally didn't realize it at the time, but I was definitely falling in love over Email. (To this day, saying that still sounds corny to me - but it's true.) Stephen: Naturally, we wanted to know what the other person looked like. Abby told me she was "sorta short," her best features were her legs and that people really liked her laugh. I thought I had better keep Abby's expectations reasonable, so I told her I was also "sorta short," had bad acne but had started to get it treated, was a little "pudgy" but had started working out, and that everyone thought I had a "good personality." Then I told her I was joking. Later, she told me that she didn't know what she was going to do when she read my description, and was relieved that I included a modest but more real description of myself at the bottom of the Email. Once basic descriptions were behind us, and it was clear we were having feelings for each other, I knew we had to meet. Abby: After chatting on the telephone a couple of times, Stephen drove 5 1/2 hours from St. Louis to Wisconsin to meet me. Since we had never exchanged pictures, we agreed that if we saw one another and either one of us was disappointed, we would still give each other a hug and go our separate ways - no hurt feelings since the journey thus far had been enjoyable, regardless. Fortunately, that didn't happen. I can't say that I know what I was expecting when I saw Stephen, but I was definitely NOT disappointed! Stephen: I got lost, drove through blinding rain, but eventually found my way to Abby's door. She was (and remains) beautiful. My expectations were more than met, they were blown away! I couldn't stop looking at Abby. She was beautiful, and my heart and brain were trying to make up for not having been able to see her for all the time we had been Emailing, while feelings had been growing. It was amazing to be in the same room with her. There was no question in my mind that this was magic. We spent three amazing days together and got married a short time later. Well, actually, it seemed like a short time later but in hindsight it did take a little longer than that! Abby: When I told my mom about meeting Stephen, we were driving across country to California. We were lucky she didn't drive off the road - she kept staring at me like I was crazy! Stephen: Most of my friends and family were not surprised that I'd met someone on the Internet (I had actually introduced many of them to this "new" medium). They were all just glad that the person I had found was normal! Abby: From there on out, our lives sped by - Stephen arrived in Sacramento as part of his permanent move to California on the day that I finished the California bar exam. Within the next year, we moved in together in Sunnyvale, found jobs and eventually moved up to San Francisco to a condo we bought together. Stephen: About 18 months after writing our first Email, we got married. October, 21, 2000. We are b'sherit, "meant to be." Abby: If it weren't for Yenta.net, I'm pretty sure we never would have met. We've found that love finds you only if you let it, not if you look for it. Keeping yourself open to unexpected opportunities can help, but love will probably find you when you least expect it. Email allowed us to explore the "real" person under the layers of social conformity that we often hid ourselves behind in other dating situations. It's interesting to hear people's reactions to the story of how we met. For the first few years of our relationship, people thought it was strange that we met online. "You're both so normal," they would say, as if it was some sort of compliment. Today, lots of people find their "special someone" on the Internet. Email and the richer forms of online communication (such as instant messenger or digital images) are now a common, and often expected, part of the tapestry of modern human communication and inter-relations. The entire journey has been amazing and we wouldn't change it for the world. Our relationship, with both high-flying joys and unexpected difficulties and challenges, has spanned the spectrum of modern contrivances and experiences. In those early years of Email, we didn't really know what we
were doing as we were doing it. It was the way it was - and in the
end it was all that it needed to be. And that is, perhaps, the most
amazing thing about it. Stephen and Abby Honikman now live in Santa Barbara with their two-year-old daughter Talia. They're expecting another child this June.
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